Dear Christine,
I hear you. It sounds like these "attacks" are deeply painful, especially the ones at night. I hear it can be debilitating, heavy, and it sounds like a pattern of emotional violence against yourself that leaves you wanting to numb out.
That's so understandable, as shame hurts. Really badly.
In fact, I personally find it to be one of the most emotionally excruciating experiences a human can have. The intensity of scrutiny that comes with shame can leave us frozen, not wanting to move. If we look underneath all the pain of shame, we uncover a deep rooted judgement that says, "There's something wrong with who I am."
And that is painful!
Guilt, on the other hand, can be healthy (if it doesn't run amuck) because it means that you have an understanding that "My actions have caused pain." Guilt can be a beautiful teacher, as it helps us to expand in our empathy and serves to awaken us more consciously. Healthy guilt can hurt, much like touching a hot stove. It quickly reminds us when we've engaged in behavior that doesn't serve our Soul.
"Don't do that, it's hot and it hurts!"
"Okay, got it. I'll move back into alignment!"
Guilt says nothing about who we are, and instead informs us through a painful sensation that we've simply made a choice that doesn't honor our Soul. Then we have the opportunity to forgive ourselves, and make a better choice next time.
Guilt becomes unhealthy when we use it to reinforce the shame, instead of seeing it as neutral feedback about our behavior or choices.
So, what do we do when we've established a long running pattern of using guilt to beat ourselves up, and then experiencing deep levels of shame? That's the real question I hear you asking.
And, I can't think of a greater one to explore here for you and for our other readers.
So, I'll get to the heart of this and tell you that Forgiveness dissolves the pain of guilt and shame like magic! It's akin to pulling a tooth that's been causing you great pain; it will give you immediate relief!
However, sometimes forgiveness can be much easier said than done.
For example, you may have heard something along the lines of, "Just forgive yourself. They're adults now. Everyone is fine. You did your best. Move on."
While these words may be true, if you don't do the deeper work behind your judgements, the words can be empty and hold no real traction to get to the root of your healing. This is called a "Spiritual Bypass." It's like putting on a band aid when there's internal bleeding.
So, let's roll up our sleeves together and gently do the work!
It sounded like the judgements around parenting your kids when they were little is what's causing you the most amount of pain, so let's start there.
I find myself wondering where you may have been when your children were young?
Were you in a stable relationship, with a loving, supportive partner? Did you have a steady job that was fulfilling? Were you awakened in consciousness? If you have a smirk on your face or even laughed out loud, chances are this was not the case!
If I were to guess, you were overwhelmed! As years pass by, it's easy to quickly judge ourselves for not doing better, but we often forget or gloss over the painful details of the experience. It's kind of like childbirth in that you know it was painful, but you forget all that was really involved.
So, what I know about healing is this:
Healing is the application of Love to the place inside that hurts.
So, let's go for that younger Mommy in you. The one that may have been scared, felt alone, unstable, not sure how to provide for your family; strung out on stress, drama or anxiety. Maybe you were even carrying wounds from your own childhood, and the experience of early motherhood triggered that old trauma?
No matter what the specifics were around your particular story, I encourage you to go inside and get that younger Mommy!
And, Love her.
Tell her it's okay. That she's enough. It's gonna be alright. That she truly is doing the very best she can under these intense circumstances. That she doesn't have to be perfect for her kids. Her Love is enough. Let's get her the support now that she needed then. There is no one who can go back in time and love her like you can!
So, I invite you to get a journal and literally write out a script between the older wise woman that you are now, who has lots of life experience and wisdom, and the younger you that was overwhelmed and in pain.
It may go something like this:
Older, Wise Me: Hi there, young Christine. I see you're overwhelmed and scared. That you're not sure what to do and how all this will turn out. I'm so sorry you're hurting. Can I help you?
Younger Mommy: Please do! I am not sure how to take care of these babies and I love them with every breath I take! I'm not sure what to do, or where the money will come from. There's not enough of me to go around and I don't know if I have the strength to get us out of this hole.
Older Wise Self: I hear you. I'm here for you now. You don't have to do it alone. Will you just come sit with me on this rock? Let's look out into the ocean, until you feel better. You don't have to be any particular way with me. I'm just here to support you. If you want to cry on my shoulder, you can do that or if you just want to sit in silence that's good, too. I'm here to support you. That's it!
Younger Mommy: Thank you. (Tears flow)
Older Wise Self: You're welcome. You can let all that go. Take your time. You're safe with me. As a matter of fact, if you want, you and your kids can come live with me. I have a stable, comfortable home now and can give you all the support you need.
Younger Mommy: I would love that. Thank you. I've needed this help.
Older, Wise Self: I know. I'm here for you. Always. You'll never be without my support again.
As odd as it may sound, you can go back in time to heal the old hurts that are still alive inside you. And, it's your story, so you might as well write the win in it!
If you were really determined to heal this pattern, you would connect with this younger mother for 33 consecutive days (That's the number of days it takes to shift a pattern in consciousness). That means if on Day 28 you forget, you start over again at Day 1. The key is to consistently show up with love! You may only check in with her for a few minutes a day, or it may be much longer, but the key is to lovingly connect with her for 33 consecutive days.
I would suggest ending each meeting with that younger mother with Compassionate Self-Forgiveness for any judgements you may have held, or may be holding. Remember that we don't have the altitude to see the whole map, so we can't really judge ourselves or others as good/bad, right/wrong.
I would invite you to consider that your children's Souls chose their parents in order to give them the childhood experience that would seed their curriculum for this lifetime. That what they may have experienced or did not experience, set them up for their unique missions and learning.
Before doing the Forgiveness work, it's helpful to envision one of your children, or a pet that you love...someone that will open your heart up. Then, set an intention to go for the deepest level of Forgiveness that is available to you for the Highest Good of all concerned.
Then, you may write down or close your eyes with your hand on your heart and say something like this:
"I forgive myself for judging myself as a bad mother. I forgive myself for judging myself as a neglectful mother. I forgive myself for judging my parenting as terrible. I forgive myself for buying into the misbelief that I screwed up my kids by not giving them a perfect childhood. I forgive myself for judging that I should have done better. I forgive myself as judging myself as unworthy of their love. I forgive myself for judging that I let God down in any way. I forgive myself for judging myself as broken."
"The truth about me is I am a Divine Soul who's right in the middle of a human experience. I am down here to learn, just like my children. They all have what they need to thrive in their lives, and each one has their own unique curriculum. I am not in control or responsible for how their lives turn out; that is between them and Spirit. We all have what we need to heal, to win, and to experience deep levels of Love. I don't have to be perfect because my Soul is already perfect. The truth is I am a beautiful Divine child of God, learning, growing, and loving the best I can at any given moment in time. I was enough. I am enough. I'll always be enough. My children are all deeply loved and I am deeply Loved, too!"
The Truth is I am Love!
Remember that when judgements come up big or small, it's just a thought. You don't have to buy in. You can let it go, and affirm the truth about yourself instead.
If you choose to do this sacred work of healing, the invisible cord of energy that connects you to your children, will deliver the healing to them wherever they are. I've been taught and I believe, that when we heal something deeply in our family system, our ancestors on the other side can even receive that healing. After all, they were involved in the pattern of consciousness that we rode in on.
And so, your forgiveness work is a gift to everyone.
Creating more freedom to Love.
You are now in the unique position to do this.
To get free.
To be the pebble in still water,
That ripples healing beyond what you see.
I hope this helps guide you in the direction of your healing.
I believe in you.
You are beautiful beyond words.
And, you are Loved.
With my Love,
Chausey
