Dear Chausey,

I am EXHAUSTED, and filled with gratitude and love for the abundance I have, but, I am exhausted.

My husband and I live next door to my mother in law. She is in her seventies, single, and very active. She cooks, and has tons of animals, all which she takes care of herself. My father in law lives close by, and he is eighty and active as well. They both live alone.

This past weekend, my mother in law tried to reach me when I was away from the house, saying she felt ill and needed help. My father in law called in a panic because he thought he was out of oil for his heat. My mother in law does not drink water and does not eat breakfast, so as it turns out, she was dehydrated, which has happened before. My father in law refuses to pay the extra dollars it will cost him to: 1) fill his oil tank completely every time; 2) have a company which services his oil tank regularly.

Chausey, I cannot force two adults to take care of themselves, but having to care for them on top of my family, my work, and myself, is just exhausting. Especially when they are two very capable people. I have been gently forceful and that doesn't work. My husband says to ignore them, but that is not my nature. Dear Chausey, what do you think?

Exhausted by my In-Laws

Dear Exhausted by my In-Laws,

Oh Sweetheart, I hear you.  That sounds absolutely stressful and overwhelming!  I can imagine if I was in your shoes I would feel resentful, angry, disempowered, and stretched way too thin!  I hear you're grateful for all that you have, and love your family, and that this current set up is draining you to the point of exhaustion!  

And let's face it, exhaustion is physically and emotionally very painful!

If this dynamic with your in-laws continues for an extended period of time, this kind of stress can be experienced as sickness in the body. And, we know you don't want that!

Also, this level of overwhelm can easily trickle down and take a toll on your marriage, your children, even your work life!  So, before we look under the hood and investigate what's really going on for you, I want to briefly talk to you about boundaries.  

Often times, people think of boundaries as a barrier to love, but in actuality, boundaries are the pillars that protect the very foundation of Love.  

Boundaries are Loving!

So, how do you create personal boundaries with your in-laws?

First, look at the whole picture of your life, and honestly assess how much energy you actually have to give them.  Be honest with yourself: this includes all levels, such as physical, mental, and emotional.  If they require more assistance than you are able to give them and still keep yourself in healthy balance, then I would encourage you to enlist the help of a neutral third party.  

I asked a family member (who runs several elderly assisted facilities) for guidance for you and her response was, "She could get outside assistance from Visiting Angels, VA Assistance Programs, or a Senior Center Volunteer Program.  If her in-laws don't accept the help (which my guess is they won't), I can suggest that your friend might ‘schedule’ a visit or even a phone call weekly.  It should be at a specific time every week (a schedule that is easy for her). The old folks then know when they will have her full attention, and she will have control about when she is available to help." 

I really thought that feedback was wonderful!  It's aimed at helping you shift your outer experience with your in-laws.  And to really create the Peace you're desiring, we need to take aim at shifting your internal reality. 

So, let's take a peek under the hood!  

I hear there's a pattern of over-responsibility.    

You're wanting your in-laws to be more responsible for themselves.  You describe them as capable, but unwilling to take greater ownership of their well being.  If I had to bet, I would say that this pattern of over responsibility for others has shown up throughout your life, only with different people.   Perhaps this lesson is appearing loud right now to get your attention and wake you up to a healthier way of being; one where you value your Self more. 

So, I’d like to offer you an exercise on Tracking Irrational Beliefs: 

How would you finish this sentence?  "If I'm not responsible for them, then..."

(The “them” is whoever you’re currently taking over responsibility for).  Fill in the blanks with the first thing that comes to mind, and then follow the thought pattern all the way down to your core thinking.  Your answers may sound something like this:

"If I'm not responsible for them, then no one else will be.”

"If I'm not responsible for them, then everything will fall apart."

"If everything falls apart, then someone might die."

"If someone dies, then it will be my fault."

"If it's my fault then I'll feel guilty forever."

"If I feel guilty forever, then I won't deserve Love."

"If I don't get Love, then I'll be all alone and die."

Did that make you laugh?  It did me!  See how these irrational beliefs were strung together?  When you pull the thread on one, it can unravel the whole irrational thought system, revealing some unconscious core beliefs. 

If you were to take the first part of that thought pattern and combine it with the last part you’d get, "If I'm not responsible for them, I'll die." 

See how deep that goes?  

We often carry these crazy irrational beliefs in unconscious ways.  If we take the time to really investigate what thoughts we're carrying, we have the opportunity to see how ridiculous they can be, and replace those thoughts with something more supportive and true.

It can actually be quite helpful to laugh at how silly those old thoughts are to take the gas out of them! 

You will most likely want to update those old irrational beliefs to truthful ones, like:

I am responsible for myself.

I am responsible for my children.

I am responsible for my word.

I am responsible for my time.

I am responsible for my well being.

I am responsible for taking care of myself.

I am responsible for listening to my heart for guidance.

I am responsible to reach out for support when I need it.

When I reach out for support, I have more energy.

When I have more energy, I am a greater support for my family.

When I can be supportive of my family, it feels wonderful.

I love taking care of myself, and getting the support I need.

My job is to learn to take Loving care of my Self, so I can give from my overflow. 

Everyone has Free Will.

I am only responsible for my choices.

I can easily give others the dignity of their own process.

Each one of us is learning in our own unique ways.

The unique ways my in-laws learn is between them and God.

We are all safe in Spirit.

I am Trusting my Intuition to guide me on how to help the people I love.

I am Trusting God to take care of us all.

I am Trusting that God is in control, and breathing through us all.

It is safe for me to let go, and focus on caring for my Self.

I have what I need to take care of my Self and my family in healthy ways.

I am resourceful, strong, and empowered.

I am protected.

I am worthy of Love.

I am Loved, have always been Loved, and will always be Loved.

All is well in my beautiful world.

I am at Peace.

Don't those beliefs just feel better?  Like fresh air flowing through your entire system!

If you were to take the first and last sentence of that thought system, you'd hear, "I am responsible for my Self, I am at Peace."  Perhaps you'd like to make that your daily affirmation?  You could even add to it, "I am Trusting the Divine Flow of life.  All is well in my world."

Remember that our feelings directly follow our thoughts, so choose your thoughts wisely!

Your Peace is just one Self-Loving choice away.  

What a blessing that you're learning about the value of your life force, that your energy is worth protecting, and how to spend it consciously in ways that honor your Soul! 

Those are really powerful lessons that when learned, will result in Empowerment and Freedom! 

And that will be something to celebrate! 

Sending you Love, my friend, and rooting for you with all my heart,

Chausey